Tony Drury: Texting – the new political language

Cast:

“E” (aka Ed Milliband, the temporary Labour leader until Yvette Cooper takes over)
“V” (aka Vince Cable, the Lib-dem leader in waiting)

V: Gud press am. U R dominating news. U pleased?

E: Gosh. Gr8.

V: Bus as norm. Will continue being totally ineffective bus sec so G looks even more stupid.

E: Fab. This British Business Bank looks gr8 idea.

V: Ho. Utter myth. Fooled the Governor (not diff). It’s an information centre.

E: Brill. The wealth tax. I prefer ‘living wage’ idea. V, remember, most union leaders are m’aires. Ballsless (aka Ed Balls, Shadow Chancellor who will be sacked by his wife when she becomes leader) wants u 2 talk up mansion tax.

V: No need E, Clog so lost he’ll say anything.

E: Can u keep C going until 2015?

V: I’ll T/O in 12m. Lord O’s agreed.

E: Brill. Impressed with reshuffle. Laws back will wreck Gove.

V: Masterstroke. Should econ improve we’ll pin educ chaos on Tories.

E: NHS?

V: Still laughing. JH (before Leveson report pub?)…what a pantomime pic…ho!

E: Trust, V. We must have faith in each other.

V: My sec name. Don’t understand this new phrase u’re using: ‘Pre-distribution’.

E: Nor does Ballsless. It’s doubletalk for a higher min wage.

V: How min?

E: £8.30.

V: That’s 36% up. It’ll wreck our econ.

E: And Ballsless.

V: Brill.

E: Must go. Seeing AM re. off-shore trusts. These speaking things…lots of dosh coming in.

V: Luv u E

E: I luv the world…except Ballsless.