My visit to the politically-correct police HQ. Peter Mullen tells all.

The following is a guest post by the Rev Dr Peter Mullen, Hon. Chaplain of The Freedom Association. 

Peter_Mullen_(2).pngThis morning’s newspapers report a worrying increase in crimes of all sorts: burglaries are up 20% on last year; muggings up by 10%; and there were more under-25s stabbed to death in London last year than ever in the history of recorded crime. This depressing trend is replicated throughout the country.

Shocked, I was determined to get to the truth behind these disturbing statistics. Luckily, I knew where to go and whom to ask: to the Erewhon Police Division to meet again my old associate Commander Aslan Cardboard-Cutout. They’re not too fussed about security clearance at Erewhon and so it only took me an hour and forty-seven minutes to sign in. Aslan went across to the drinks cabinet and returned with two stiff (fizzy) mineral waters,

“I’ll come straight to the point, Peter. You really must understand that it would be quite wrong for me to divert scarce resources from the war on motorists to pursue such relatively trivial matters as burglary.

“Don’t run away with the idea that we are sitting on our backsides. Well actually, we are sitting on our backsides for a lot of the time – simply because it’s the most comfortable position to adopt when dealing with the ten million reams of paperwork we have to get through each week.

“People ask me, ‘But don’t the police still investigate crime? Are there no police officers on the beat?’ Indeed there are, and it is a disco beat, as you can discover for yourself if you go as far as the canteen on a Saturday night. Do we investigate crimes? Of course we do! Why, even as we speak I have seven hundred and eighty-six and a quarter officers out there interviewing members of ethnic minorities to record any incidents in which they felt offended.

“The other four hundred and thirty-two and three-quarters officers are fully engaged in our primary schools and playgroups investigating incidences of 3-7 year olds who commit the heinous crime of putting their tongues out and singing, ‘Ner, ner, ne-ner, ner!’ to their contemporaries who have chosen to change sex. Sorry, I mean of course, to identify as the opposite gender.

“Terrorism is – after mass refusal of people to pay the TV licence – one of our country’s most severe problems. Whenever we hear of an incident in which a Jihadist gentleman decides to drive his car along the pavement, collaterally slaughtering many or, as it might be, bombing and shooting up a shopping centre, my men – and women, of course – are out there at once, fearlessly  dealing with the backlash of ‘hate crimes’ perpetrated by those bigots who don’t approve of the Jihadists’ gentlemen’s behaviour .

“I have outlined a few of our priorities, Peter, but these are not our only concerns. Frequently local councils call us out to emergencies in which householders have been observed placing materials in the black dustbin which should really go in the green or (in the most severe cases) the brown bin.”

In the finest traditions of canteen culture, Commander Aslan cracked open another two cans of (fizzy) mineral water and asked:

“Well, I hope you are reassured?”

“I certainly am! After your words, Aslan, I feel as safe as houses – as that row of cottages on the cliffs near Birling Gap.”

 

All views expressed in contributions by named authors are their own and may not reflect the views of The Freedom Association.

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