The following is a guest post by the Rev Dr Peter Mullen, Hon. Chaplain of The Freedom Association. 

This morning’s newspapers report a worrying increase in crimes of all sorts: burglaries are up 20% on last year; muggings up by 10%; and there were more under-25s stabbed to death in London last year than ever in the history of recorded crime. This depressing trend is replicated throughout the country.

Shocked, I was determined to get to the truth behind these disturbing statistics. Luckily, I knew where to go and whom to ask: to the Erewhon Police Division to meet again my old associate Commander Aslan Cardboard-Cutout. They’re not too fussed about security clearance at Erewhon and so it only took me an hour and forty-seven minutes to sign in. Aslan went across to the drinks cabinet and returned with two stiff (fizzy) mineral waters,